Ye Cove

Read my short stories. Say what you think about them. I wrote these for a class, BTW.

[spoiler=Panic! at The Sukkah]Most people don’t know about my Jew-folk holidays; so for all of the gentiles out there, Sukkot is the ancient Jewish harvest holiday in which thousands of Jews migrate to the Temple in Jerusalem and make a nice animal sacrifice. Unfortunately, the Temple has been destroyed for about two thousand years, so alternatively we throw away our burnt offerings and just go camping.
Yes, that’s right, the Hebrew camping holiday. Every family is supposed to build a Sukkah, a makeshift construction with three walls and a roof made out of whatever produce is readily available. In addition to the roof being made out of vegetables, it should also have holes in it so the sky can be seen from the Sukkah. If it rains, tough shit.
Let’s bring it forward to Sukkot 2008. If you don’t already know this, the Jewish mother is an odd creature. If you have never met one, I advise that you stay away.1 It is the mother’s role, once a Sukkah is built, to invite all of the other Jewish families in a five mile radius (via two hour phone call) over for dinner inside of it. Therefore, on the first night of Sukkot2 three other families with a total of twenty people were crammed into folding chairs and placed almost entirely into the dreadfully tiny Sukkah. We actually managed by some feat of ingenuity to also fit a table into the Sukkah, where the meal was about to be brought out. Because it was also Shabbat, the two tall Shabbos candles were in the center of the table along with the wine and challah. Now, herein lies the problem. The Jewish people like to eat. A lot.3 So not only was the dinner that my family made placed upon the table, but so were all of the side dishes and other foods that were brought by our guests. The problem wasn’t that we couldn’t eat it. Heck, I alone could eat it. Nay, the problem lied in the table. It was too small to fit all of the food. The assortment of Shabbat paraphernalia had to go. My dad lifted the candles high in the air, but then decided, no, he could make it work. He directed dish after dish, plate after plate into its proper spot, and presto, like a miracle, all of the food fit on the table with room to spare.
Let me reiterate something for a second. The roof of the Sukkah is supposed to be made of organic material, preferably from the ground, to celebrate the harvest. However, we live in modern times in suburban Cherry Hill, NJ. There’s no such thing as a harvest. So to make the roof, my dad drives down to Springdale Farms and picks up a shit-load of disposed cornhusks. So picture this, the roof is made of cornhusks, my dad forgets that he has two tall candles held in the air, and to top it all off, the roof is short because we really didn’t feel like building it that high. The Sukkah starts burning down.
Panic ensues. We had no idea what to do. First, sensibly, the Sukkah was evacuated. One mother dialed 911. I went inside and started to fill a rather large bucket with water. My dad got out the old garden hose and had it pointed at the Sukkah when my brother suddenly ejected



1 If it is absolutely necessary that you must talk to one, never ever bring up the subject of their children to make small talk. In fact, don’t talk about anyone’s children. They are literally waiting for the chance to either bitch for hours about how they do not listen or (and this is the worst) brag about how they are the smartest kids in the world.
2 Most Jewish holidays last for more than one day, thus we are given an excuse to drink more.
3 In fact, it is Jewish custom that after someone dies, all of the friends and family bring food to the mourner’s house so that they all can gorge themselves into happines
an exclamation.
[/spoiler]

[spoiler=Where Do They All Belong?]“HI.”
Brian gave the weird short girl his best “who the fuck are you?” facial expression along with a squinty glaring look as he turned to face her. It was right after school, and Brian was making his trek through the parking lot, across the street and down a block to his after-school job. He wanted to clock in early to make more munnies.
Despite Brian’s best efforts to be irritated, he was actually intrigued by this girl whom he had never seen before. She was cute. She was short in stature, with long auburn hair and beautiful brown eyes.
“What’s your name?” she blurted, with an extreme excitement akin to that of one of the numerous teenage girls who has just seen the movie Twilight.
“Brian,” Brian said. “Brian Hanna. “Wh–”
“Sweet!”
And then she was gone. Just made like a banana and split. Brian pondered about the events that had just transpired. Why was that girl asking for his name? More importantly, why was she even talking to him? He hadn’t recognized the girl from school. Did she even go to his school? Why then was she in the parking lot?
A car honked its horn. Brian decided that he didn’t want to be run over, so started back on his trek to work and temporarily forgot entirely about his encounter.

LATER THAT NIGHT

Brian ran downstairs to the computer after he was finished his homework, ducking when necessary so that he would not hit the ceiling going down the stairs. There was a picture of a duck nailed to the wall going down to the basement ceiling, and from that picture you could tell a lot about Brian’s sense of humor.
When Brian got downstairs, he put on some Beatles and pulled up AIM, but no one was on. He sighed. It was beginning to look like a long, lonely night. Same as last night, and the night before that, and the night before… Brian sighed again. He thought that maybe some violent video games would cheer him up. First, however, he checked Facebook. He frowned. There was nothing new there either, except for one friend request. He clicked on it. Who the hell is Hannah Miller? he thought. She stole my last name. Using it as her first name, who the hell does she think she is? Never one to turn down a request of friendship, he decided to befriend her, although he needed to coach himself through the process. Socializing was not a thing that came easily to Brian. Killing monsters with shotguns, however, was. It was time to put in a good hour or three of Gears of War 2.
A short while later, just as Brian had exploded a big pale insect looking thing with a shotgun and had turned to curb stomp another, he heard the distinct noise of someone trying to contact him through Facebook chat. He paused the game.
If you have been reading this story, and not some other one that has nothing to do with this, I’ll bet you can guess whom it was from. Hannah Miller.

Hannah 9:35pm
hey

Brian shot back a message asking whom he had the pleasure of addressing. She told him that she was the one who had talked to him in the parking lot, and she gave him her AIM address. All of a sudden what happened came rushing back to him, and nearly hit him in the face. So that attractive girl was actually interested in him. What was left of his heart after being desensitized by violence through video games like Gears of War 2 fluttered. Wow, he thought. There’s a girl who likes me. Tentatively, he shot her an instant message on AIM, hopefully one that would make her laugh.

BrawndoRules: hey, it’s Brian. Nice to FEET you!

And so the mindless chatter began, as can only happen on the internet. The internet is the one medium where two people can be talking to each other and still not be holding a conversation. They just barrage each other with jokes and links and randomness and song lyrics and hope the other person is paying attention to what he/she is trying to attract their attention with.
Anyway, despite the setbacks in the method of conversation, Brian learned a few things about his new acquaintance. She too was a fan of ridiculous puns. She had an affinity towards video games as well as shitty action movies, and received hard-ons from Beatle’s music. Also, as it turns out, she was also socially inept, and had gotten fed up and decided to talk to the next guy that she saw. That had been Brian.
After a few hours of chatting over AIM, Brian could hardly believe his luck. The two were perfect for each other. He went to bed, though he was so elated that he could not fall asleep.


As Brian got off the bus, his heart raced. Would he see Hannah in school? He was so happy almost nothing could get him down. No more Dr. Pepper left to wash down his breakfast with? No problem, he could drink Coke. Get tripped by Douche Jock III making his way down the bus? Doesn’t matter, he’s got a girl now. He’s not alone anymore.
He found his new love as he entered the school. She was standing by the lockers near the student entrance waiting for him.
“Hey,” he said.
“Hey,” she replied
Brian fumbled for words. He had it so easy talking to her last night, why couldn’t he think of anything to say?
“So, uhh…” Brian fumbled for words. He had it so easy talking to her last night, why couldn’t he think of anything to say? Goddamnit. Shit. Cock. Say something interesting. “Hey,” he repeated.
“Hey,” she said again and laughed nervously.
“Hey,” Brian reiterated and grinned. Hannah started laughing.
“Hey!”
“Hey!”
Brian smiled on the inside. So this was new to both of them. It was going to be all right. They could be lonely… together.[/spoiler]