Ye Cove

^ That's actually pretty manly. I commend you for your epic shit.

Well, I officially did the most gross and disgusting thing last night. I was driving home from my parents, exactly one hour away. About halfway through it, I started to feel the urge to do a number 2. No big deal I thought, as it wasn't too urgent and I had only 30mins of driving left. But soon, the urges started to get stronger, in waves that came and went.

I was coming up to the exit on the highway and the waves were getting really strong. In desperation, I called my wife on the mobile phone whilst I was driving (illegal yes, but this is how bad it was) and told her that I badly needed to poo, and to turn on the outside lights, unlock the back door, open the toilet door and turn the lights on in the hallway and toilet-so that I could just run out of the car and run into the toilet.

So, I come off the exit and for most of the journey it was really good. The waves had receded and I thought I would be okay. Then I drive into the last block before home. And the waves hit-really, really bad. It was agony, my stomach was cramping and I was in pain. I turned the last corner and I seriously thought I wasn't going to make it. I turn into the driveway and stop the car. A huge wave hit me and I was clenching my butt with all my effort. I very slowly get out of the car as any sudden disturbance would have caused me to crap big time in my pants. I shuffle towards the back door and enter the hallway.

Then I make a mad dash for the toilet. And I can feel myself uncontrollably letting go, it was just so bloody awful. I started to let go as I got just before the toilet and pulled my pants down and jumped onto the seat. I thought that I didn't make it and as I looked down at my pants, it was all clean.

"Phew" I thought.

Well, I kind of made it and kind of didn't. I just, and I mean just, managed to miss my pants but the violent force of the expulsion and the fact that I wasn't properly seated meant that it kind of went everywhere. Some went into the toilet, a big lump of it on the seat and lid, some on the floor and some up the wall. It wasn't a pretty sight let me tell you. And that's saying something from someone who works at a hospital. I spent ages cleaning and cleaning.

Fortunately, my darling wife saw my distress and finished off cleaning it for me. Then she said this with a chuckle:

"You know what's really funny? I spent the day cleaning the house and I was going to ask you if you could just clean the toilet floor". So, that is now officially the most gross thing I've done. I wish I took some pictures. It would last longer.

I was very lucky on one count though. I had on these very loose track pants which almost fell down on their own. If I was wearing anything else, particularly with a belt and buckle, I wouldn't have made it. I would have crapped in my pants right in front of a toilet. Now that would have been tragically ironic.

And btw Butt dude, here is what you said about one of Noifer's posts, in relation to his crap tale. I'm hoping you think it suits my tale too:













Hahahahahaha.

Go, you!

Oh my god, that is hands down the greatest fecal-related story I've ever heard.

Hey thanks for that. That is one weakness that I have, as bad as a woman. I absolutely hate doing a number 2 out in the bush or side of the road. But I've learnt my lesson. If that ever happens again, I'm just going to have to. Hence why I keep in my car toilet paper, wet ones and a hand towel. Everything but the kitchen sink!


Oh yeah, I'll tell you something else really funny. The same thing happened to me a number of years ago. I was travelling on the freeway and I had these really strong urges to do a number 2. Again, it started to get really bad and when I couldn't take it anymore, I quickly pulled the car over and ran into the bushes off the side of the road. At that time, I didn't think of having any toilet paper in the car and even if I did have some, I wouldn't have been able to scramble in the boot and get it out. It was just that urgent.

So I run deep into the bush and let it all go. And as I'm finished I'm thinking "Oh man, what I am going to use for toilet paper?"

And I look around me and right next to me are a couple of old faded sheets of newspaper! I struck gold, let me tell you. I was not going to go Indian style and use my hand (ewwwwww.......).